An interesting item in several ads' promises of crippling, disfiguring power was a little checkbox or signature line preceded by a solemn oath not to actually cripple or disfigure anyone—save to protect yourself, of course. Toyotaro Miyazaki's ad's admonition is the most terse and to the point: "I promise never to use these techniques as an aggressor." Others seem to require far more words, but whether this caveat was for legal protection or something else is open to debate.

This language was likely an attempt to preserve the macho mystique of martial arts, representing a subtle promise that while you'll become suffused with power enough to crush your enemies, drive them before you and hear the lamentation of their women in your ears, you really shouldn't. I suspect such clauses were added after a lawyer whispered in the great senseis' ears, done less to keep little Johnny from wreaking havoc on the playground and more to keep him from getting bully-pummeled and his parents from suing the instructor.

How else to explain even the ultraviolent Count Danté adding a tut-tut at the end of one—though admittedly only one—of his ads? After several paragraphs promising his usual eye-popping training, it culminates with a checkbox followed by, "I pledge never to use the deadly techniques of the manual as an aggressor (only to defend myself) and will never abuse the trust placed in me." Which, strangely, suddenly makes the deadliest man alive sound as if he didn't approve of running with scissors either.

Wallace Reumann, in all his incarnations, seemed most worried about his mail-order charges using his karate/kung-fu/whatever-it-is-this-week skills for the dark side.

From the I'LL MAKE YOU A MASTER OF KARATE ad: "I understand that by studying KARATE I am morally bound and obligated never to practice KARATE as an aggressor (only to defend myself) and will never abuse it."

From TURN YOUR HANDS INTO "EXPLOSIVE" DEFENSE MECHANISM! ad: "Make me a master of the Forbidden Oriental Fighting Arts. I enclose $3.98 under your 30-day MONEY-BACK Guarantee. I promise to use these secrets only for self-defense, never as an aggressor."

From the I'LL GIVE YOU THE SECRET POWER OF CHINESE KUNG-FU ad: "I promise in return to use the deadly knowledge of KUNG FU for defense only and that I will never use its secrets as an aggressor ever." (He was also preoccupied with keeping those thousand-year-old secrets secret.)

From FORBIDDEN ORIENTAL FIGHTING ARTS ad: "I agree NEVER to use FORBIDDEN ORIENTAL FIGHTING ARTS as an aggressor—only to defend myself, and that I will never abuse the principles of FORBIDDEN ORIENTAL FIGHTING ARTS, nor will I ever reveal the secrets of FORBIDDEN ORIENTAL FIGHTING ARTS to anyone else."

If, as I suspect, Reumann was in fact the man behind the mask of Master Kung-Fu, he comes off as rather disingenuous: finking out on his ancient not-masters (he was a karateka, not a kung fu practitioner) while asking his students not to likewise screw him: "I agree never to use KUNG-FU as an aggressor—only to defend myself, and that I will never abuse the principles of KUNG-FU, nor will I ever reveal the secrets of KUNG-FU to anyone else."